But I'm frightened of the things I might find
Oh, there must be something he's thinking of
To tear him away
When I tell him that I'm falling in love
Why does he say?
"Hush hush keep it down now voices carry"...
Because I know all the trouble I'll get ..
Oh, he tells me tears are something to hide..
And something to fear..
& I try so hard to keep it inside
So no one can hear ..
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/til+tuesday/voices+carry_20137202.html ]
He wants me .. <3
But only part of the time ..
He wants me ..
This is a song I know all to well. It could have been my wedding song, only because I wouldn't force my friend's watch me make the biggest mistake of my life to a song that was supposed to represent otherwise. Finally, I emerge from the wreckage a new person with absolutly no desire to see my ex boyfriend, this time there will be no open contract, no possibility for a service renewal. Any shred of evidence I had of a some what normal relationship was completely erased from my memory after having read some seriously fucked up shit, a feeling i don't wish on my own worst enemy. A feeling i felt more times than id like to admit. I did something I never did before, he left his email account logged in and i read through five years of emails and by the time i got finished, i couldn't even identify the person whose email account it is what it is & why i went HAM on it in the first place. After reading two years into saved email's written by quite possibly the biggest cornball on earth, i immediately knew in my mind that from here on out, i couldn't ever possibly become aroused by this person. This person was pathetic, sad and insecure. I didn't want a man was constantly starved for female acceptance. I wanted a man that knew he could have what he wants, but looks the other way. I'm a little jaded, I'd like to hope that it is possible to actually know someone. I'd like to think my personality, humor and the hard work i put into my body will one day be enough to keep my significant other from sending email's to 5's and cheating on me with girl's that are way less attractive than me. It is either that or stop working out, voluntarily stain all my clothes with marinara sauce, cut down my teeth brushing and be done with deodorant all together. I mean, how does one go about contracting a gland problem and gaining the ability to stain clothing with their own vial pore secretions. I mean all of this seems unachievable, i have no other choice but to move on. I won't neglect hygiene to keep someone present in my life. I don't even really enjoy food enough to know what i could eat to achieve an overall sloppy appeal. I do know that i want to avoid judging every man i come into contact with based on a few bad experiences. It is hard, real hard .. I have a tendency to roll my eyes at any man that tries to invade my private space. Lately I've started doing this new thing where i avoid eye contact at all costs, stare directly at my phone and nervously bite my cuticles until a guy backs off. Last night actually, i brought back an old method of mine from my freshman year in high school, its more or less.... just dipping the fuck out. Also, i conveniently had my headphones on so it made me look slightly less crazy than i would have appeared to be if i had not had my head phones on. My social anxiety is working overtime lately to ensure that i won't make any new friends. I really only know how to talk to my friends back home, i go days without speaking words up here, then i go home to New Jersey and it's like the movie Neil, where this girl was left out in the wild alone since birth and when she finally saw another human, she basically had to learn to be a real human. This process is never ending. The first night i am in New Jersey and out drinking with another human being, it's hard to not picture the ceramic native American statue statue that i drink along side in my apartment in Brooklyn. Sometimes i even feel guilty that i left the Indian all by itself to fend for itself in Brooklyn, but then ... after spending a substantial amount of time with other humans, i can then identify the difference between stone and flesh, always my bad. Still though, I'd be nice if he could one day meet the crew. Last night I left the Indian behind to spend some time with an extremely good looking man that i had given the cold shoulder too earlier in the evening. It was a big move to make on my part, choosing flesh over stone. I learned a lot about myself last night, I also came to terms with the fact that no amount of browner will ever be able to conceal the hurt and anger in my face. Around midnight i ventured out of my apartment to 711 to get myself some form of booze to chase with a few Tylenol Pm's and i walked past, questionably the hottest guy i have ever seen in real life. He honestly looked just like the Matty from the MTV show awkward but way hotter, it was strange. He didn't have facial hair, jean short cut off's on or any noticeable "nautical" tattoo's. I watched to cab's beep at him, assuming what i had assumed, that he was fucking lost. He had on navy blue suite slacks, custom made Ralph Lauren, which i called. He had a white Ralph Lauren button down all the way unbuttoned with a white undershirt completely exposed, a bit on the sweaty side but it wasn't working again him. He was walking beside another gentleman that appeared to be his slightly shorter, long lost hipster brother. We made eye contact and his creepy hipster counterpart part said "the face matches the thighs get it" & immediately i didn't feel as if i were on a side walk in Greenpoint, Brooklyn on a Tuesday night, but at a national farm & agricultural cattle auction. I immediately rolled my eyes, and spewed a jay z verse, "baby you fine, but your girlfriends not", they both laughed and his friend pushed him into me and said "this kid was admiring your thighs from five blocks away", & i replied "well how much is he paying you hourly to translate for him? or is it covered by the state?" and still no word out of this mad decent looking specimen. So i put my head phones back into my ears and kept walking, this was so typical i thought. I can't afford to take any chances on a beautiful mute, besides I already had my a stone Indian statue waiting for me, who needs that mess. I picked up the pace and continued on my way, 3 blocks later mute boy jumps in front of me. I take my headphones of once again and said "oh boy, if you rob me i guarantee you it will be embarrassing for the both of us" He laughed, & said look, I'm not good with this but I seriously am having a really good day and me and my boy are out celebrating and I think your beautiful and I'm trying to see how long this luck is going to stay with me" Which, at first to me seemed like he was trying to out right ask me if he could fuck me, 0 to 100 in thirty seconds with this kid i thought. I replied,"well you should get a scratch off like the rest of us do when our day's don't end up sucking as much as we had predicted" His face automatically went blank and he said "wow well i hope things get better for you, this is the a prime example why guys do not approach women in the city thank you for making maxim magazine articles a reality for me, fucking amazing" Then I died inside, I stood still for at least 40 seconds and yelled, "omg I can't believe i just acted like that, i was assuming you were asking me out right to fuck you .. I had a really long day, please don't take this personal, your mad decent looking .. Maxim magazine articles don't apply to you, your not the demographic they are trying to reach". He laughed and pointed to the corner bar and told me to drop my bags off and meet him there. I walked into the bar and my bartender friend said, "your round is on me if that isn't the bitch you chased down the block" I sat down and laughed and the bartender said "what did i tell you about that smart mouth" and then all chances of trying to prove to this kid that i was acting out of character by being a bitch went out the window. I finally learned the hot kid's name "Skylar" .. Judging by his name alone, it became quite apparent that his mother most likely enjoys xanax, pearls and decorative soaps. We got into it, conversation wise. Never once in my life had i been upfront with what i was looking for in a guy and what i expected because i was always afraid they would become uninterested. Well, first i said that he looks like the type of guy that has a glass jar of college interns souls on his desk and asked what it was like to have that much leverage at corporate parties? & he was like .. "damn, what do i look like to you?" and I said, "a really really genetically gifted individual in a really really nice suite" and we laughed and got into a conversation about how pointless one night stands become at this age & how it isn't worth it and people that have had the choice to pick and choose have less sex than people that are way less attractive. I told him I was a little shook on the relationship front and that i needed to work some shit out for a bit and i wasn't looking for "sweaty acts of nothing" and that eventually id like to "engage in real passionate affectionate adult sex that involved feeling and emotion" I at the age of 25, am confident that id be down with being with one person for the rest of my life just as long as I have some sort of feelings before i strip down. I told him that i really dug sex, but it's gotta mean something more than an orgasm for me these days. All cockiness aside, I am smart, well read, I'm not miserable to hang out around .. I'm laid back, I have my own friends and life, I keep a tight figure, I work hard as fuck to look the way i look. I am not exactly 19 anymore and finding energy to go to the gym sometimes is hard enough, I'd like to know that the person I'm pleasuring understands my worth and the opportunity he has been given. Never again will i give myself completely to another person can't admit out loud or to himself that he is pretty lucky, which i will in return let him know that i am lucky as well. I see other chicks my age, I hear them talk and listen to what they have to say and aside from my friend's .. I'm not impressed. When I get in the shower and i look in the mirror at myself naked I am not ashamed or embarrassed to say that i say out loud "fucking right". You get only one body and a good 15 years to look your best and enjoy sex to the fullest, having confidence is half of what makes sex enjoyable. If i commit to another person, i commit fully and promise to hold up my end of the contract and always remain the person I was when they crossed their t's and dotted their i's ... Id like to think someone could be capable of feeling the same way. This kid told me he felt the same way, and sex is better when you feel like it took was achieved. After that being said, I put my hand up for a high five and told him if he ever wanted to watch a movie in my parents family living room and sit in between both my parents on the couch sometime that he should call me.. oddly enough he texted me all day long and we are meeting for drinks tomorrow night, my skirt will be regulation length and I'm going to attempt to do this right. Peace, love & abstinence.
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