Dear Quarter Life Crisis suffering, I wish they'd loosen our collars & give us a chance to live.

I started writing this post while on the subway stuck on the G train in between train stations, we had been stopped for over 40 minutes. I was on my way to an interview that I missed and was unable to reschedule. I had no service so I had no chance of even informing them of my situation. There was no way to prove to them that I had begun getting ready for this interview at 6:00 am this morning to arrive at the interview scheduled for 11:00 am. For every 300-400 resumes I send out I average a responce of only 1-2 possible interviews, so I take the chances I get VERY SERIOUSLY. My mom had already sent me at least 13 text's bitching about money by 10:00 am, when in reality all that I have charged on her card was subway fair TO GET TO INTERVIEWS. The train was held up due to some "domestic disturbance", which basically means a crack head got out of line, which... made me even more upset because once again I am punished for another person's inability to act morally. Being that I am a hard working, educated individual that follows the laws, refuses to apply for food stamps or go to one of the very many state funded offices that gives people in need basic groceries for free and yet I am being punished yet again for another person's failure to act as a functioning member of society. I could never justify being a healthy, able bodied human with no children to feed taking from away from those who are in actual need. So I'd rather toss & turn in my sleep with hunger pains rather than taking that route or listening to my mom complain for 15 minutes about having to give me money. It fucking kills me that I didn't go anywhere all week & walked to all of my other interviews in order to save my metro card for the interview that I missed because of a crackhead. The office I was interviewing for wouldn't accept my late arrival, so not only did that crackhead cost me 7.50 but he cost me a potential opportunity to get a job, which i desperately need. This whole ordeal ended up coasting me 7.50 rather than 5.00 because I had to get out & walk a mile to another station. After being told that I wouldn't be able to get interviewed I walked outside of the building & sat on a curb to gather my thoughts & like clock work my mother begins calling excessively, finally stopping after 8 calls. Then I got 3 calls from the collection agency that calls me everyday because I have not been able to make a CC payment in 3 months. This sucks especially because I worked a total of 200 hours combined at the last two jobs I had that I will never get compensated for. That's two different successful business owners that are my parents age mind you, that ripped me off & treated me like an animal. Not only is it hard to find a job in the first place, but even if you do find a job, there is a 50/50 they won't compensate you. It doesn't matter whether it be a restaurant owner or a multi million dollar business owner who has been a member of the Brooklyn chamber for 10 years that beats his wife in front of his 4 & 6 year old children. They some how can't pay you what they promised to pay you & you'll walk out of work starving & stressed out about how you don't even have money to make it to work tomorrow & you'll pass by their brand new luxury car parked outside your office. I worked a month for minimum wage for a well known, pizza restaurant chain in Manhattan that I never got paid for, I  was so desperate for money I stayed knowing there might be a good chance that  I might never get paid. After the 3rd Friday I watched everyone open their paychecks & still had not yet received one of my own  paychecks, I called my boss on his cell phone to ask him what I could do about getting to work in the morning because he failed to compensate me yet again and I was absolutely penny less & he told me if I ever called him on a Friday night ever again while he was relaxing & out drinking with friends that id be worried about about more than recieving a paycheck & id be more worried about him not stabbing me right in the gut for not respecting his privacy. A grown man, owner of a giant successful pizza chain threatened to stab me for asking for my paycheck. At the age of 25 I cannot afford to buy myself a pint glass of draft beer at happy hour, I can't afford to even look for a job hardly and I cannot afford to have interests & hobbies to keep my mind off of this consistent never ending cycle of stress & set backs. I cannot get above water, I cannot breathe. I sleep at most two hours a night because I cannot stop thinking about bills, the disappointment of my parents and all the harsh unfair judgement I get from some people back home who have no idea what it is like to try & make it outside of a 4 town radius. For the last month I have thought about stripping or working for an escort agency because I am so behind on bills and I cannot find a job doing anything, my mothers texts & phone calls reconfirming what a burden I am daily have become more than I can take. So many women my age that are educated, talented & hardworking have turned to the same options. I can say that if I ever did have to take this route, I'd never be able to return to the person I once was and I actually had once liked the person I was. I was a happy, excited, accepting girl that loved life, people & cherished everyday. At the age of 25, I am now bitter, angry, jaded, skeptical & socially withdrawn & anxious. Never had I ever been afraid to talk or had anxiety being around others. I was the exact opposite of anxious or shy. I always had confidence because I thought I knew who I was. Nowadays I have to check my pulse to believe that I'm alive & this is reality. I am so sorry for my generation & the hand of cards that we been dealt. I'm sure I am only one of many that had good intentions. I see the same blank stares on the face's of 90% of others my age that I pass on the street or on the subway daily. I am sure all of those individuals carry the same weight with them daily on their travels as do i, if not the same, perhaps heavier. I apologize if I elbowed any of you, ran you off the sidewalk or displayed any sort of hostility toward any of you, I forget sometimes that I am not alone in this. Things would be different if we could afford things similar to events that brought our parents together as a generation. Unfortunately there will be no Woodstock for us & no summer of love, of which I am sorry for. All we have is several forms of communication by the means of social media which will never offer any of us any substantial benefits, because we are all so busy pretending to be something that we are not & missing out on meeting people that we might actually be able to connect with, that would make us feel less like we were alone. But instead we message people that are already accounted for. Pick & choose who we want to include & exclude and feed on the misfortunes of others to validate our existence. I wish it were different for all of us. I wish we werent all one man armies, I wish we werent so desperate to sabotage those arent. I wish we all could learn to trust again and the energy to try and learn about a person first before we reference the internet and enter into relationship's biased and guarded. I don't have a facebook or a twitter because having those things never gave me any sense of validation and i couldnt get enjoyment out of others misery or their desperate attempts to hide the person that they really are. I am not afraid of who i am or ashamed of my failure to launch because i do everything thing in my power to rise above and that is how i know that i am not the one at fault. For every person wasting their precious youth staying in on weekends because they cannot afford to be social, for all the people who had to move home and be subjected to another person's rules,judgement and philosophy on life. For anyone who works a job way below their capabilites and recieve little compensation for the amount of abuse endured. I want all of you to know I love you and It isnt our fault. We did not ask to be here, the generation that produced us is also digging our graves and it is something i cannot understand or rationalize. We all need to understand that this isn't our fault and that we need rise above. I am not afraid to say how I feel, how hard i'm struggling and I don't mind throwing myself under the bus so that a few people might not feel as alone as they did before they read this post. I have recieved comments and emails from people thanking me for lighteing the load and finding so humor in what has become our reality as young adults. Just keep your ethics and keep on keeping on. When i recieve feedback from other's that i have helped it gives me a sense of validation that I am some how making a difference even if it's only a few people at a time. Sorry this post wasn't one of my funnier one's but this week has been far from funny.