My personal favorite gut wrenching, heartbreak Indie song titles.

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Every one eventually goes through at least one awful, gut wrenching break up. Getting burned is inevitable and more times than not, you'll never see it coming. If the cut is deep enough it takes a while to move on, there might even be a chance that you might never actually even move on. You may even feel like that person for whatever reason surgically removed your heart from your body, put in a glass jar and hung it up next to their college degree in their office. People deal with heart ache in all different ways, some express it, some repress it & a select few murder. I totally don't promote murder, but what I do promote listening to beats and chilling with friends. At the age of twenty five I have some heartache under my belt, It definitely changed me. I definitely don't stand as tall as i had before i got my heart served to me on a stainless steel surgical plate. I definitely doubt that doubt that selfless love actually exists. There has been times that i had thought that it were more likely for me to find a unicorn in NYC than to find a guy i would actually be interested in dating. I have found for myself personally, that talking about it doesn't help much. It hurts me way worse to say my feelings out loud, it is almost like reliving the incident over and over again. At this point in my life, id rather just be alone in thought with some music on. Some times its easier to relate to songs than it is to relate to other friend's experiences. Some times the amount of pain and anxiety your feeling is down right debilitating. I can't even tell you how many times i have home from a night out, cried my make up completely off my face while listening to some good songs and just letting it out. That is why I giving a list of my personal favorite gut wrenching Indie songs. If you aren't crying by the fourth song you are a lot more emotionally damaged than you care to admit because this is one dark play list.

Lily Allen

1). Lily Allen definitely has more than one song on my "gut wrenching list of Indie break up songs" play list. In which Lily Allen tells you EXACTLY how she feels about the situation. There is no question of the type of betrayal she endured in her relationship. Here is a few of her raw and exposed power ballades.

"Smile"

"Littlest Things"

"Who'd have known"

2). The Knife - "Heartbeats" 

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3). Radiohead always does it for me. So many years, so many albums, so many emotions.

"High & Dry"

"There, There"

"Lurgee"

"Lost Cause"

"Thinking of you"

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4). LCD Soundsystem always has what I am looking for, a lot of miserably amazing break up song's about regret & the "one who got away".

"All I want"

"All my friends"

5). Johnny Cash's cover of Nine Inch Nail's "Hurt" (Lyrics below)

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way 

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6). The Smiths

"Asleep"

"Heaven Knows I'm miserable now"

"Unhappy Birthday" 

7). Bon Iver - Skinny Love

8). Velvet Underground - Pale Blue Eyes

9). Bat's for Lashes "Sleep Alone" <3

11). Til Tuesday - Voice's Carry

12) The Vaccines - Post break up sex

13). Lissie - When I'm alone

14). The Rapture - Come back to me

15). Toro y moi - Got blinded

16). New Order - Bazaar Love Triangle

My personal list of under appreciated New wave, Psychedelic, Alternative, Indie Bands & Vocalists .. Get appreciative!

There is nothing more I miss about having a steady cash flow than being able to buy concert tickets. Living in New York City and being subscribed to every major live music event database on the Internet and receiving email's daily about all the amazing concerts and musical event's going down in NYC and knowing I won't be able to attend any of them is straight torture. Not only do I not have the funds to attend but I have ample amount of free time to think about what I'm missing out on. I always thought that by this age I would have a decent enough paying job that would allow me the finical freedom to see all the live music that I wanted to see. Needless to say things have not worked out as planned. Music mean's a lot to me, with out the presence of music In my everyday life, I would be lost. Especially lately since spending days on end alone. I am either on my way to a job interview or sitting Indian style on my bed emailing and attaching, emailing and attaching. The only thing that keeps me going is my music. In fact, I would say that my headphones are on for about two thirds of my day. I guarantee hearing loss is in the cards for my future. Since it is apparent that I have an obnoxious amount of free time on my hands, I find myself researching the hell out of music. I am never satisfied with the amount of music on my iPod. I feel as though nowadays if you want to find good music, really good music it takes some research. There are so many amazing artist's out there that hardly get the recognition they deserve and it's a shame. So, I have taken the time to compile a list of some of my personal fav's that in my opinion are extremely underrated. These bands are from all different decades  and genres. I think I compiled quite an amazing assortment of talented musicians, to say the least. I'm listing a few of my personal favorite songs from each band, but don't feel limited to my choices, you'd be wise to check each band out in their entirety.

Kaledeicioscope / Fairfield Parlour

aka : The Sidekicks & The Key

(English Psychedelic Rock)

Eddy Pumer - guitar

Steve Clark - bass & flute

Danny Bridgeman - lyrics

Peter Daltry - vocalist

I came across this band after reading an article about the "Underground Psychedelic Rock band's of the 60's and 70's", to my surprise there was a rather lengthy list of band's I had never heard of before. It took me a good week to get through all the band's mentioned in this article, it was definitely time worth spending. I generated another playlist of around 200 song's from musician's that I had no idea existed before I read this article. Which goes to show you, the more you read the more you know. Kaledeicioscope (Fairfield Parlour) was one of my favorite's out of the list.

A few of my favorite tracks:

"Flight from Aishya"

"Tangerine Dream"

"Please Excuse my Face"

"White Faced Lady"

"Jenny Artichoke"

The Names

Post punk - New wave

1978

Michel Smordynia - vocals & bass

Marc Deprez - guitar

Christopher den tandt - jazz

I came across this amazing band mainly because I am a huge fan of the band Joy Division and the genre of new wave in general. The Names were considered Belgium's own "Joy Division" mainly because of their use of experimental guitar sounds. The band was actually picked up by a record label while performing in an event organized by Joy Division. They released their first New wave single entitled "spectator's of life" and went on to drop a couple more notable releases entitled "night shift" and "calcutta" The Names didn't stick around for a long time, they caught the tail end of the new wave scene and broke up for quite a bit and requited in 2009 to drop a new album, which i personally like better than their older tracks. They broke up again eight months after they released their album entitled "Monsters next door" so i am pretty sure this might be their last.

No specific song on this album is better than the rest, I love the whole album in its entirety.

"Monster's Next Door" Release dated: April 2009

Joy Division

Post punk

Known for their contributions developing a sound and style that eventually pioneered the post punk movement of the late 1970s.

Ian Curtis - vocals & occasional guitar 

Bernard Sumner -guitar & keyboards 

Peter Hook - bass guitar & backing vocals 

Stephen Morris - drums & percussion

Joy Division was known for it's self built synthesizers and the unique six string bass played by bassist Peter Hook. Ideally anyone who appreciates the electronic music genre should know who the band Joy Division is. I have so many favorite song's from this band, perhaps you may know them by their most popular single "love with tear us apart" but that one song does not do them justice, it is definitely worth checking out their complete discography. 

A few of my favorite tracks:

Disorder - Unknown pleasure

Digital - Substance

Glass - Substance

A means to an end - Shadow play

A later date - An ideal for living 

The Posies

90's Indie Pop

Core Members:

Jon Auer & Ken Stringfellow

I definitely think The Posies were one the most under appreciated Indie band's of the nineties. They have several great songs, but I have two favorite's in particular. 

"Dream all Day"

"Burn and Shine"

Nina Simone

Pianist/ vocalist

Classical music, jazz, blues, folk, R&B and Gospel

Nina Simone is a classic vocalist, everyone should be familiar with at least one of her many songs. Her voice is absolutely hauntingly full of soul and emotion. When I listen to Nina Simone I feel as If i can actually feel the word's of her songs  burning from within me as she's sings them. Her song's come from an undeniably honest place. An African American women living during a time of discrimination and uncertainty. Like most famous female vocalist and songwriters, Nina Simone seemed to be constantly suffering from a broken heart. No one sing's heart ache quite like Nina Simone, I have definitely had a few crying session's to a few of her tracks more time's than id like to admit. 

A few of my favorite tracks: 

"Love me or leave me"

"Go to hell"

"Born under a bad sign"

"Don't Let me be Misunderstood" 

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RJD2

producer, singer & musician 

Ramble John "RJ" Krohn

I could have not made it through my senior year of college without RJD2's feel good track's. Every thursday night religiously,RJD2 was on blast while I was applying my makeup getting my pre- game on and gearing up for the evening's main event. His song's just sound like a good time in general, this is a statement that is rejected or  disputed by anyone. When i listen to RJD2 it just reminds me of college and the Lower East Side of Manhattan. I can almost smell the hall ways of my dorm building when i listen to RJD2. I can almost taste NYC circa 2009 & NYC had a very special, sweet taste at the time period in my life. 

A few favorite tracks:

"The horror"

"Ghost Writer"

"A beautiful Mind"

He released an album in 2010 entitled "Colossus" which is also worth checking out.

The Velvet Underground -

American Rock Band

Band Members:

Lou Reed

John Cale

Sterling Morrison

Angus Maclise

Maureen Tucker

Doug Yule

Walter Powers

Willie Alexander

I am almost positive that a lot of people my age have no idea what The Velvet Underground is and even those who say that they have heard of it are confused as to what it really is and that Andy Warhol involvement actually had little to with it. I truly believe people see the words "Velvet Underground" on a canvas tote with Andy Warhol's famous banana print being sold at the MET gift shop  and think to themselves the "Velvet Underground" that must be what they call that banana painting! I don't think people have any idea who or what was actually behind the Velvet Underground, aside from maybe Andy Warhol's involvement. Few people even know that it is actually a band and that Andy Warhol's only involvement was organizing and managing the band. Out of all the members of the band the most successful and notable members were definitely Lou Reed and John Cale who went on to have very successful solo careers. I am also a giant fan of Lou Reed's music dependent of the the Velvet Underground. I am not a big fan of Andy Warhol so I may give him less credit on his involvement than he deserves but after all it is my blog.

A few of my tfavorite racks:

"Candy says"

"Chelsea says"

"Coney Island steeplechase"

"Pale blue eyes"

"Venus & Furs"

"I'm waiting for the man"

My favorite album of their's was their debut album: 1967 "The Velvet Underground & Nico", which failed in it's popularity but went on later to be named the 13th most influential album of its time. 

There's that damn banana again, at least the truth has been revealed...

Til Tuesday:

80's New Wave

Band members:

Aimee Mann

Robert Holmes

Joey Pesce

Michael Hausman

I absolutely love this band and mainly because of the song that made them famous, I am completely aware of how lame I may sound for admitting that, by the way. I am truly just a sucker for new wave. I also love that this band's music video for it's famous single "Voices Carry" was one of the first video's to become a staple on MTV, the new television channel that was dedicated to music. I am talking about VERY early MTV, when MTV was just getting starting ... and ... actually focusing on music. This band had a few other single's beside's "Voice's Carry" (my favorite).

Favorite collaberation:

"The other end" ft Elvis Costello / Aimee Mann

Tears for Fears:

New wave - Synth pop

Roland Orzabal & Curt Smith (vocals)

Ian Stanley - keyboard

Manny Elias - Drummer

I can honestly say that I listen to Tears for fears at least once a day, I absolutely love this band. Some of you might recognize them from their contrubtion of the song "Head Over Heals" to the Donnie Darko soundtrack. Tears for Fears however was around years before Jake Gylenhall had anything to say about it. The band didn't get much recognition until they released their third single "Mad World". The album that really put them on the map was "Songs from Big Chair", which was an album full of hit singles, five to be exact. Although I am a fan of their earlier not as successful album's as well, I can't deny that their album Song's from Big Chair is my favorite indefinitely.

A few favorite tracks:

"Suffer the children"

"Pale edition"

"Everybody want's to rule the world"

"Head over Heals"

"I believe"

Hole

Hard Rock/ Alternative - Pop Infused

Courtney Love & Eric Eralandson

People seem to hate Courtney Love, they need to seriously get over that. She didn't kill Kurt Cobain it's about time people quit being weird about it. I love Kurt Cobain and Nirvana just as much as the next guy my own father even has a copy of Kurt's suicide letter plastered on our garage refrigerator because he believes it is one of the most beautiful, honest things that has ever been written. Both Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were equally as gifted and equally insane .. this is what made them such an epic duo and most likely the reason why they fell in love in the first place. There is no need for people to take sides in the matter. I could care less what anybody has to say, I absolutely love Courtney Love and I love Hole. Over the course of Courtney's involvement producing and performing in Hole she became a mother, mourned the death of her husband and battled a serious on and off drug addiction, I couldn't imagine any song that she was behind could have been anything but honest, emotional and prolific. The band didn't get much recognition until they released their critically acclaimed album entitled "Live through this". I love it all to be honest, I wouldn't have my Courtney Love any other way.

A few favorite tracks:

"Violet" - Live through this

"Malibu" - Celebirty Skin

"Dolls Parts" - Live Through this

"Asking for it" ft Kurt Cobain

"Burn Black"

"Petals"

"Gutless"

"Innocence was our fire
We told the truth
I miss the sweet boys
In the summer of their youth"

- Petals 

My favorite verse..

Are the recent fashion trends working against our maturity?

Being that I am twenty five years old, I was around for the nineties, aka "the good old days". Being born in 1987, I wasn't old enough to experience the nineties in its entirety, but I was lucky enough to experience the tail end of it. Lucky enough to have seen all the 90's sitcom's we all know and love when episode's first aired on prime time TV. I had so many favorite's its hard to remember a time in which there was actually something on TV I thought was worth watching. Sitcom's were actually easier to relate to than "reality" TV. Growing up I idolized sitcom stars, I wanted to dress just like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I wanted to BE Kelly Bundy and I wanted to go to college in the city like Felicity. From a very young age I loved fashion, I wanted to mirror every trend I saw on television. Although I was a little to young to start dressing like Kelly Bundy or Buffy the Vampire slayer, I did my best with that the Limited Too had to offer. I had three Tupperware containers of scrunchies, several pairs of velvet legging's, spandex leggings, floral leggings. I had a million pair's of overalls and a few pairs of doc martins. I associate scrunchies, leggings and overalls with "better times". These trend's remind me of the innocence of my childhood and being careless and fancy free. During my years attending college in NYC legging's made a serious come back and I was and I was ready, willing and able to indulge. I was lucky enough to be in a city that offered me unlimited access to stores such as American Apparel which offered me the choice of legging's in any color, fabric or pattern I desired. Any refund check i received from my college went immediately toward my "I can finally dress like Kelly Bundy fund". The first time i walked into an American Apparel i was in awe, I had to literally had to pinch myself, on both arms. I spent an hour at least just taking everything in. I remember spotting the circular rack of leggings, in every color i could have ever dreamed of. I had 2,067 dollars in cash in my wallet from the very first refund i received from my college, "the world was mine". After making sure that my parent's wouldn't receive one word about me receiving this refund, I knew i wouldn't be able to sleep until i spent every last penny of it. I did just that, I spent a good three hours in American Apparel, two and a half of which I can't remember, black out status. I bought every tight dress "Kelly Bundy" looking dress in every color it came in. I bought every above the waist skirt in every style available, pairing each one with a chunky belt and or scrunchy. I remember leaving the store thinking about how lucky i was that these trends came back when i was in my prime. Needless to say that was 6 years ago, at the age of twenty five I find it hard to believe I justified spending that kind of money on a "Kelly Bundy" make over. Dressing like Kelly Bundy was the norm in the Lower East Side where I hung out mostly in college, It wasn't exactly as mainstream on the Jersey Shore where i grew up, especially at local Irish pubs but that didn't stop me. It has been a long time since i could afford American Apparel, but i haven't stopped being a fan. At the age of twenty five i have been forced to realize that it is time to tone down the wardrobe. Even though i am still in pretty good shape and lucky enough to say a lot of the clothes i bought during that crazy black out shopping spree still fit, they don't look AS spectacular on as they did when i was nineteen. At the age of nineteen, ESPECIALLY while attending college in NYC the last thing on your mind is looking appropriate or appropriate enough to at least pass as future wife material. I think i rocked the Kelly Bundy look for as long as i could, maybe a little too long. I look at some of the dresses I wore around NYC back in the day and ask myself how it was that i made it home at night without getting dragged by ankles into a dark alley. It wasn't until this winter that i came to terms with the fact that i was getting older and a lot of my friends that had once joined me in my pursuit of becoming modern day Kelly Bundy, hadn't been on board for a while. I started to be the only one still wearing tight dresses and push up bra's out. Being in New York City and living and breathing "trend" can help slow the aging process, but it can't make it go away. Even Kelly Bundy had to hang it up at some point but perhaps the trend was going out around the same time she was growing up. Maybe I don't want to accept the reality of the time period i am living in, maybe I like to be reminded of the "good times". Maybe the closest thing I have to feeling as secure as i did during those times is American Apparel. If American Apparel is the only thing keeping me afloat, I should really be made their hipster mascot. More soon than later because I am twenty five years old and i already look ridiculous rocking a scrunchy, who knows what people will be saying if I'm still wearing neon scrunchies at the age of thirty. All i feel is the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty in regards to my finances, my relationships and my ability to obtain a job that allows me stability enough to start providing for myself as an adult, why give up my youthful style when the world isn't even allowing me to "grow up"? How can I start looking and acting like an adult when I don't feel like one? It takes hard working acting like something you aren't and as long as i remain jobless and slave to my parent's rules and regulations in my mind I'm no older than nineteen. Until the world allows, scrunches and Kelly Bundy it is.

Guys think it's "pretty cool" when you eat?

Tonight I met up with a guy that I met in March at a Beer Garden in Williamsburg, the first time he approached me he just stood in front of me with a blank stare on his face and said "uhh fuck dude" & walked away. Then two hours later, we met face to face again .. literally, face to face .. because he actually fell on me. His roommate told me that tripping and having him land on top of me would have been the only way he would have had the balls to talk to me. This was accurate, you can't exactly fall on another person and not address the situation. Apparently, this was a stunt these kid's pulled frequently, tripping each other.  In which he actually ended up falling on top of me, I can't say that i was impressed, but when someone is on top of you, you have no choice but to hear them out. I wish i could say this was the first time a guy has fallen on me at a bar, I hope this pick up method wasn't featured in a men's magazine. I asked him if he was suffering from a chemical imbalance and he replied by poking me in my nose with his index finger and saying "shhhhhh". He was pretty hot, I gave him my number because I really had no idea what to do at that point. He was actually pretty cute in a Lenny from Of Mice & Men kind of way, he seemed harmless enough. We have hung out about ten times since meeting in March, 2 bar scenario's, 3 Mcarren Park experiences in which I watched him skateboard while I drew on the pavement with side walk chalk " _____ be fallen on bitches". He helped me resurrect my "ollie", it took about two hours to prove to him that I could ollie .. 7th grade was a really long time ago. Unlike him i didn't have the luxury of skateboarding around for living and falling on whoever i wanted. We went out to eat 4 times and I watched 5 episodes of cops with him and his roommates. We haven't done more than kiss, it's a strange relationship. Tonight we met up walked around and then got some dinner. Normally, dinner dates put me right over the edge. I am not one for eating, especially in front of guys. It takes me a long time to chow down in front of a guy. I have guy friend's that I have hung out with from college, and after 3 years they still claim to have never seen me eat food. I understand this is a bit creepy but in all honesty i stopped eating dinner really around the age of nineteen. Three meals a day in NYC, fuck off .. that's pipe dreams. Tonight I was so hungry that I didn't care what the fuck this kid thought about me, It was my first meal of the day. I ordered a grilled chicken DELUXE, yeah .. DELUXE. This sandwich was so big I could barely wrap my mouth around it. I swore I must have not even come up for air once while indulging in this man meal. The last three times we went out to dinner I ordered my usual, diet coke and coffee. When i finally came to after finishing my sandwich he was staring at me. I immediately asked him, "what the fuck are you looking at?" & he laughed and said "that was pretty cool, I have never actually seen you eat before.. it's good to know". I was a little confused by this statement. I asked him if he really took it to heart that I wouldn't eat in front of him and he told me he totally did and that after our dinner date it was almost a deal breaker. I really couldn't believe he was saying this, really? I had to ask him if this was something guys concern them selves with and he said it totally was. I asked how so and he told me not to get all weirded out but "If i ever wifed you up and you were pregnant with my child and drinking diet coke and coffee I'd be pretty pissed off, but other than your weird thing with food you could be something worth linking up with on a more serious level". I started laughing so hard, I was amazed at this response. He got really red in the face and said "you are never going to let me live this down are you?" I told him i might be able to forget about it now that i know i am in the official running to bare his children. I decided to stop making fun of him because I kind of saw him in a totally different light. I had one slip up at the deli in which he asked asked what i was doing on my phone and i told him i was downloaded the "i ovulation" app and put my hand out for a high five. But I actually had a decent evening, I am always pleasantly surprised that some guys aren't actually huge pieces of shit .. which is sad, because it isn't fair to the one's who aren't.

<3 Peace love & nourishment ??

Dear Quarter Life Crisis suffering, I wish they'd loosen our collars & give us a chance to live.

I started writing this post while on the subway stuck on the G train in between train stations, we had been stopped for over 40 minutes. I was on my way to an interview that I missed and was unable to reschedule. I had no service so I had no chance of even informing them of my situation. There was no way to prove to them that I had begun getting ready for this interview at 6:00 am this morning to arrive at the interview scheduled for 11:00 am. For every 300-400 resumes I send out I average a responce of only 1-2 possible interviews, so I take the chances I get VERY SERIOUSLY. My mom had already sent me at least 13 text's bitching about money by 10:00 am, when in reality all that I have charged on her card was subway fair TO GET TO INTERVIEWS. The train was held up due to some "domestic disturbance", which basically means a crack head got out of line, which... made me even more upset because once again I am punished for another person's inability to act morally. Being that I am a hard working, educated individual that follows the laws, refuses to apply for food stamps or go to one of the very many state funded offices that gives people in need basic groceries for free and yet I am being punished yet again for another person's failure to act as a functioning member of society. I could never justify being a healthy, able bodied human with no children to feed taking from away from those who are in actual need. So I'd rather toss & turn in my sleep with hunger pains rather than taking that route or listening to my mom complain for 15 minutes about having to give me money. It fucking kills me that I didn't go anywhere all week & walked to all of my other interviews in order to save my metro card for the interview that I missed because of a crackhead. The office I was interviewing for wouldn't accept my late arrival, so not only did that crackhead cost me 7.50 but he cost me a potential opportunity to get a job, which i desperately need. This whole ordeal ended up coasting me 7.50 rather than 5.00 because I had to get out & walk a mile to another station. After being told that I wouldn't be able to get interviewed I walked outside of the building & sat on a curb to gather my thoughts & like clock work my mother begins calling excessively, finally stopping after 8 calls. Then I got 3 calls from the collection agency that calls me everyday because I have not been able to make a CC payment in 3 months. This sucks especially because I worked a total of 200 hours combined at the last two jobs I had that I will never get compensated for. That's two different successful business owners that are my parents age mind you, that ripped me off & treated me like an animal. Not only is it hard to find a job in the first place, but even if you do find a job, there is a 50/50 they won't compensate you. It doesn't matter whether it be a restaurant owner or a multi million dollar business owner who has been a member of the Brooklyn chamber for 10 years that beats his wife in front of his 4 & 6 year old children. They some how can't pay you what they promised to pay you & you'll walk out of work starving & stressed out about how you don't even have money to make it to work tomorrow & you'll pass by their brand new luxury car parked outside your office. I worked a month for minimum wage for a well known, pizza restaurant chain in Manhattan that I never got paid for, I  was so desperate for money I stayed knowing there might be a good chance that  I might never get paid. After the 3rd Friday I watched everyone open their paychecks & still had not yet received one of my own  paychecks, I called my boss on his cell phone to ask him what I could do about getting to work in the morning because he failed to compensate me yet again and I was absolutely penny less & he told me if I ever called him on a Friday night ever again while he was relaxing & out drinking with friends that id be worried about about more than recieving a paycheck & id be more worried about him not stabbing me right in the gut for not respecting his privacy. A grown man, owner of a giant successful pizza chain threatened to stab me for asking for my paycheck. At the age of 25 I cannot afford to buy myself a pint glass of draft beer at happy hour, I can't afford to even look for a job hardly and I cannot afford to have interests & hobbies to keep my mind off of this consistent never ending cycle of stress & set backs. I cannot get above water, I cannot breathe. I sleep at most two hours a night because I cannot stop thinking about bills, the disappointment of my parents and all the harsh unfair judgement I get from some people back home who have no idea what it is like to try & make it outside of a 4 town radius. For the last month I have thought about stripping or working for an escort agency because I am so behind on bills and I cannot find a job doing anything, my mothers texts & phone calls reconfirming what a burden I am daily have become more than I can take. So many women my age that are educated, talented & hardworking have turned to the same options. I can say that if I ever did have to take this route, I'd never be able to return to the person I once was and I actually had once liked the person I was. I was a happy, excited, accepting girl that loved life, people & cherished everyday. At the age of 25, I am now bitter, angry, jaded, skeptical & socially withdrawn & anxious. Never had I ever been afraid to talk or had anxiety being around others. I was the exact opposite of anxious or shy. I always had confidence because I thought I knew who I was. Nowadays I have to check my pulse to believe that I'm alive & this is reality. I am so sorry for my generation & the hand of cards that we been dealt. I'm sure I am only one of many that had good intentions. I see the same blank stares on the face's of 90% of others my age that I pass on the street or on the subway daily. I am sure all of those individuals carry the same weight with them daily on their travels as do i, if not the same, perhaps heavier. I apologize if I elbowed any of you, ran you off the sidewalk or displayed any sort of hostility toward any of you, I forget sometimes that I am not alone in this. Things would be different if we could afford things similar to events that brought our parents together as a generation. Unfortunately there will be no Woodstock for us & no summer of love, of which I am sorry for. All we have is several forms of communication by the means of social media which will never offer any of us any substantial benefits, because we are all so busy pretending to be something that we are not & missing out on meeting people that we might actually be able to connect with, that would make us feel less like we were alone. But instead we message people that are already accounted for. Pick & choose who we want to include & exclude and feed on the misfortunes of others to validate our existence. I wish it were different for all of us. I wish we werent all one man armies, I wish we werent so desperate to sabotage those arent. I wish we all could learn to trust again and the energy to try and learn about a person first before we reference the internet and enter into relationship's biased and guarded. I don't have a facebook or a twitter because having those things never gave me any sense of validation and i couldnt get enjoyment out of others misery or their desperate attempts to hide the person that they really are. I am not afraid of who i am or ashamed of my failure to launch because i do everything thing in my power to rise above and that is how i know that i am not the one at fault. For every person wasting their precious youth staying in on weekends because they cannot afford to be social, for all the people who had to move home and be subjected to another person's rules,judgement and philosophy on life. For anyone who works a job way below their capabilites and recieve little compensation for the amount of abuse endured. I want all of you to know I love you and It isnt our fault. We did not ask to be here, the generation that produced us is also digging our graves and it is something i cannot understand or rationalize. We all need to understand that this isn't our fault and that we need rise above. I am not afraid to say how I feel, how hard i'm struggling and I don't mind throwing myself under the bus so that a few people might not feel as alone as they did before they read this post. I have recieved comments and emails from people thanking me for lighteing the load and finding so humor in what has become our reality as young adults. Just keep your ethics and keep on keeping on. When i recieve feedback from other's that i have helped it gives me a sense of validation that I am some how making a difference even if it's only a few people at a time. Sorry this post wasn't one of my funnier one's but this week has been far from funny.

hush hush keep it down now, voices carry ..

In the dark, I like to read his mind 

But I'm frightened of the things I might find 

Oh, there must be something he's thinking of 

To tear him away 

When I tell him that I'm falling in love 

Why does he say?
 
"Hush hush keep it down now voices carry"... 

I try so hard not to get upset 
Because I know all the trouble I'll get ..
Oh, he tells me tears are something to hide.. 
And something to fear..  
& I try so hard to keep it inside 
So no one can hear .. 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/til+tuesday/voices+carry_20137202.html ] 
He wants me .. <3
But only part of the time .. 
He wants me ..
If he can keep me in line .. 






This is a song I know all to well. It could have been my wedding song, only because I wouldn't force my friend's watch me make the biggest mistake of my life to a song that was supposed to represent otherwise. Finally, I emerge from the wreckage a new person with absolutly no desire to see my ex boyfriend, this time there will be no open contract, no possibility for a service renewal. Any shred of evidence I had of a some what normal relationship was completely erased from my memory after having read some seriously fucked up shit, a feeling i don't wish on my own worst enemy. A feeling i felt more times than id like to admit. I did something I never did before, he left his email account logged in and i read through five years of emails and by the time i got finished, i couldn't even identify the person whose email account it is what it is & why i went HAM on it in the first place. After reading two years into saved email's written by quite possibly the biggest cornball on earth, i immediately knew in my mind that from here on out, i couldn't ever possibly become aroused by this person. This person was pathetic, sad and insecure. I didn't want a man was constantly starved for female acceptance. I wanted a man that knew he could have what he wants, but looks the other way. I'm a little jaded, I'd like to hope that it is possible to actually know someone. I'd like to think my personality, humor and the hard work i put into my body will one day be enough to keep my significant other from sending email's to 5's and cheating on me with girl's that are way less attractive than me. It is either that or stop working out, voluntarily stain all my clothes with marinara sauce, cut down my teeth brushing and be done with deodorant all together. I mean, how does one go about contracting a gland problem and gaining the ability to stain clothing with their own vial pore secretions. I mean all of this seems unachievable, i have no other choice but to move on. I won't neglect hygiene to keep someone present in my life. I don't even really enjoy food enough to know what i could eat to achieve an overall sloppy appeal. I do know that i want to avoid judging every man i come into contact with based on a few bad experiences. It is hard, real hard .. I have a tendency to roll my eyes at any man that tries to invade my private space. Lately I've started doing this new thing where i avoid eye contact at all costs, stare directly at my phone and nervously bite my cuticles until a guy backs off. Last night actually, i brought back an old method of mine from my freshman year in high school, its more or less.... just dipping the fuck out. Also, i conveniently had my headphones on so it made me look slightly less crazy than i would have appeared to be if i had not had my head phones on. My social anxiety is working overtime lately to ensure that i won't make any new friends. I really only know how to talk to my friends back home, i go days without speaking words up here, then i go home to New Jersey and it's like the movie Neil, where this girl was left out in the wild alone since birth and when she finally saw another human, she basically had to learn to be a real human. This process is never ending. The first night i am in New Jersey and out drinking with another human being, it's hard to not picture the ceramic native American statue statue that i drink along side in my apartment in Brooklyn. Sometimes i even feel guilty that i left the Indian all by itself to fend for itself in Brooklyn, but then ... after spending a substantial amount of time with other humans, i can then identify the difference between stone and flesh, always my bad. Still though, I'd be nice if he could one day meet the crew. Last night I left the Indian behind to spend some time with an extremely good looking man that i had given the cold shoulder too earlier in the evening. It was a big move to make on my part, choosing flesh over stone. I learned a lot about myself last night, I also came to terms with the fact that no amount of browner will ever be able to conceal the hurt and anger in my face. Around midnight i ventured out of my apartment to 711 to get myself some form of booze to chase with a few Tylenol Pm's and i walked past, questionably the hottest guy i have ever seen in real life. He honestly looked just like the Matty from the MTV show awkward but way hotter, it was strange. He didn't have facial hair, jean short cut off's on or any noticeable "nautical" tattoo's. I watched to cab's beep at him, assuming what i had assumed, that he was fucking lost. He had on navy blue suite slacks, custom made Ralph Lauren, which i called. He had a white Ralph Lauren button down all the way unbuttoned with a white undershirt completely exposed, a bit on the sweaty side but it wasn't working again him. He was walking beside another gentleman that appeared to be his slightly shorter, long lost hipster brother. We made eye contact and his creepy hipster counterpart part said "the face matches the thighs get it" & immediately i didn't feel as if i were on a side walk in Greenpoint, Brooklyn on a Tuesday night, but at a national farm & agricultural cattle auction. I immediately rolled my eyes, and spewed a jay z verse, "baby you fine, but your girlfriends not", they both laughed and his friend pushed him into me and said "this kid was admiring your thighs from five blocks away", & i replied "well how much is he paying you hourly to translate for him? or is it covered by the state?" and still no word out of this mad decent looking specimen. So i put my head phones back into my ears and kept walking, this was so typical i thought. I can't afford to take any chances on a beautiful mute, besides I already had my a stone Indian statue waiting for me, who needs that mess. I picked up the pace and continued on my way, 3 blocks later mute boy jumps in front of me. I take my headphones of once again and said "oh boy, if you rob me i guarantee you it will be embarrassing for the both of us" He laughed, & said look, I'm not good with this but I seriously am having a really good day and me and my boy are out celebrating and I think your beautiful and I'm trying to see how long this luck is going to stay with me" Which, at first to me seemed like he was trying to out right ask me if he could fuck me, 0 to 100 in thirty seconds with this kid i thought. I replied,"well you should get a scratch off like the rest of us do when our day's don't end up sucking as much as we had predicted" His face automatically went blank and he said "wow well i hope things get better for you, this is the a prime example why guys do not approach women in the city thank you for making maxim magazine articles a reality for me, fucking amazing" Then I died inside, I stood still for at least 40 seconds and yelled, "omg I can't believe i just acted like that, i was assuming you were asking me out right to fuck you .. I had a really long day, please don't take this personal, your mad decent looking .. Maxim magazine articles don't apply to you, your not the demographic they are trying to reach". He laughed and pointed to the corner bar and told me to drop my bags off and meet him there. I walked into the bar and my bartender friend said, "your round is on me if that isn't the bitch you chased down the block" I sat down and laughed and the bartender said "what did i tell you about that smart mouth" and then all chances of trying to prove to this kid that i was acting out of character by being a bitch went out the window. I finally learned the hot kid's name "Skylar" .. Judging by his name alone, it became quite apparent that his mother most likely enjoys xanax, pearls and decorative soaps. We got into it, conversation wise. Never once in my life had i been upfront with what i was looking for in a guy and what i expected because i was always afraid they would become uninterested. Well, first i said that he looks like the type of guy that has a glass jar of college interns  souls on his desk and asked what it was like to have that much leverage at corporate parties? & he was like .. "damn, what do i look like to you?" and I said, "a really really genetically gifted individual in a really really nice suite" and we laughed and got into a conversation about how pointless one night stands become at this age & how it isn't worth it and people that have had the choice to pick and choose have less sex than people that are way less attractive. I told him I was a little shook on the relationship front and that i needed to work some shit out for a bit and i wasn't looking for "sweaty acts of nothing" and that eventually id like to "engage in real passionate affectionate adult sex that involved feeling and emotion" I at the age of 25, am confident that id be down with being with one person for the rest of my life just as long as I have some sort of feelings before i strip down. I told him that i really dug sex, but it's gotta mean something more than an orgasm for me these days. All cockiness aside, I am smart, well read, I'm not miserable to hang out around .. I'm laid back, I have my own friends and life, I keep a tight figure, I work hard as fuck to look the way i look. I am not exactly 19 anymore and finding energy to go to the gym sometimes is hard enough, I'd like to know that the person I'm pleasuring understands my worth and the opportunity he has been given. Never again will i give myself completely to another person can't admit out loud or to himself that he is pretty lucky, which i will in return let him know that i am lucky as well. I see other chicks my age, I hear them talk and listen to what they have to say and aside from my friend's .. I'm not impressed. When I get in the shower and i look in the mirror at myself naked I am not ashamed or embarrassed to say that i say out loud "fucking right". You get only one body and a good 15 years to look your best and enjoy sex to the fullest, having confidence is half of what makes sex enjoyable. If i commit to another person, i commit fully and promise to hold up my end of the contract and always remain the person I was when they crossed their t's and dotted their i's ... Id like to think someone could be capable of feeling the same way. This kid told me he felt the same way, and sex is better when you feel like it took was achieved. After that being said, I put my hand up for a high five and told him if he ever wanted to watch a movie in my parents family living room and sit in between both my parents on the couch sometime that he should call me.. oddly enough he texted me all day long and we are meeting for drinks tomorrow night, my skirt will be regulation length and I'm going to attempt to do this right. Peace, love & abstinence.